I've been told that the most important thing every job hunter needs is a top-notch cover letter. Here's my first go at it!
To the Members of the Hiring Committee,
How’s it going? Fantastic here, other than the unexpected money shortage. That’s where you come in.
I have some skills. Not the ones you want, but I have some. A majority of my time has been dedicated to rearranging words in sentences for the sake of making them less nonsensical. If you’re like other folks I’ve worked for, you’ll ask me to correct your own nonsensical statements, before you decide you like your nonsense just fine, thanks. Then you’ll add more commas, and, just when, I think, you’ve stopped; you’ll fuck up a semi-colon.
Where was I?
The truth of the matter is that within 48 hours of being hired my resentment towards you will percolate, and it’s only a matter of time before I show up late (get it? Ha!). Heck, I already hate you and I haven’t even navigated the “about” section of your website for more than a couple of green-text-on-tan-background seconds. The seasickness this inspires all but ensures I’ll neglect your uppity dress code and regularly forget my name badge, and will fill my government-mandated piss cup with shaving foam while mumbling excuses related to the rupture of cauliflower-like diseases on my nether regions. Then I probably won’t work very hard in order to not get upset about the raise I won’t get or the promotion I’ll be passed over for, especially when both are distractions from stealing office supplies, and getting stoned at the nearest playground with the totally hot straight guy faking gay to be counted as a minority. Instead I'll print every fiction book I write, and will make multiple copies for editing on your Xerox machine, when I’ve finished copying my hands for analysis on palm reading websites. Did you know they have those? Seriously, I can create a pdf with your scanner and get the ball rolling, if you’re interested.
Where was I again?
Oh yeah, why I want this job. First of all I’m WAY behind on my Facebook liking. Second, absence of a daily commute has lessened my overall outrage towards my fellow man, causing my blood pressure to dip dangerously low. I’ve also found it’s much harder to fall asleep when you’re not crying. Who knew! I know what you’re thinking: water cooler buzz kill. You know as well as I do that there’s only so many soccer stories and cooing over toddlers that the world can tolerate before someone has to step in and remind everyone that we’re all gonna die, and some of us will die more horribly than others. What do you think keeps Santa so holly jolly?
What was it that you wanted me to do again?
I’d also like some benefits. If vacation time is available I’d like to take it immediately. I’m also sick every Friday and Monday. When does prescription coverage kick in? Mama needs a little helper if she’s gonna rock the clock, if you know what I’m saying. I’d also like my domestic partner to be covered, and he intends to sleep under the desk against my feet while I’m “working,” and should only be referred to as Dogboy. It’s a special arrangement and none of your goddamn business, so don’t discriminate! The leash is vegan!
My reference is Wikipedia, and I recommend going right to the home page and just letting them pick something random for you. It can be like the magic 8ball of hiring me. If the article you stumble into includes a flag that more citations are required, you should consider me for management.
If you’re up for it, color me hired. Go ahead and clock me in, and start shuffling that loot to me via direct deposit. I’m at home, but it’ll be like I’m there, just in the bathroom for a really long time. I’m already LOLing at your cat picture, and you haven’t even sent it yet. Also know that I totally agree with whatever you’re saying in that meeting, that tie doesn’t make you look fat, and we should have more meetings to discuss the outcome of this meeting. I’ll be in the bathroom during that one, too.
Thanks for hiring me! I’m sure we’ll meet in person one day soon.
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